How do we resolve conflict easily?This question has been coming up a lot lately, so I thought I would share some reflections.
When we are experiencing conflict in our lives, it is relatively easy to see how another or others are making us uncomfortable. In my own experience, it is pretty easy to blame, and try to get others to change for the sake of my comfort. However, even when someone else does, amazingly, bend to my will, the results are usually pretty unsatisfactory. Somehow, in bending to my will, they give up something of themselves, and what they give up is a part of them that I love and respect.
Recently, I was trying to convince my husband to communicate in a business transaction from some distance, because I was emotionally triggered by the other party. He was willing to acquiesce, but as we talked I realized, he needed to meet them for some reason I didn't understand. I sensed his own intuition was leading him and I paused in my persuasive argument. I had choices. I could go with him. I could stay at home. Or I could keep trying to persuade him.
I decided I would find some inner peace if I went with him and so I did. We met the other party and the hand shakes were nice, but cautious. Then my husband, with his ineffable sense of humor said something that had us all laughing. The guards fell down, and the smiles created warmth and a little bit of trust. By the time we left the table, we were laughing and joking together.
At other times, my husband has bent to my persuasion, and in retrospect I discovered that his intuition or wisdom was clearer than my own. Moral: If I am trying to persuade or change someone, I have not honored them yet, and we are likely to continuing struggling rather than peacefully finding the greater truth.
Fortunately, this time, I stopped myself mid-stream, stopped holding others responsible for my feelings, and considered that it might be me who needed to find peace within myself, without attempting to withdraw from the situation or change the behaviors of someone else. In my meditation practice, regularly now, I take my conflicts inward to a place of compassion, so that as I find peace in the inner world I can find greater peace in my outer world.
This is a far more satisfying way to resolve conflict. Once my own needs are addressed, I see the situation as a whole with greater clarity. More importantly, once the conflict inside me is at peace, I am clearer about what I need to do for myself and can still hold loving space for what others might need to do, without withdrawing or persuading them to change.
-Reverend Misa
If you are interested in tele-meditations and ceremonies to support you in our journey to inner peace visit: http://www.newdreamfoundation.com/earth-ceremonies.htm
